What future?

I hate the lies, but I just can't stop. I guess its a vain attempt to maintain a facade or some kind of self respect, but for every every lie I hate myself a little more.

So here's the truth: I do not have any plans for the future. I have no idea what I will be doing when I finish my exams in less than a months time and neither do I particularly care.

I know such thinking is shocking to most people and so I lie. When I, for example, told the truth to my Neurologist he said: "You most have applied for some jobs?" So I went back to the telling lies: "Yes, I'm hoping to do find some para-legal work." I said this even though I don't actually know what 'para-legal work' means!

I am so tired of telling people what I think they want to hear. The problem is that I've been lying so long I don't know anymore what I would like to do or what is realistically possible.